to catch a dream
by kohee
Summary: Liv goes for a vacation with Noah, leaving Barba to come to a rather significant realisation and conclusion about what he feels for her.


one-shot; _to catch a dream  
_ pairing: rafael barba/olivia benson  
word count: 3049 words  
note: written for **Meg0613** as part of thebarsondaily's Secret Santa fic exchange. More notes at the end.

* * *

It was the week before Christmas, and Olivia was not in New York. It had been a hell of a year, and she had decided to take some time off – a rarity for her - and go on a holiday, just her and Noah. They needed this time together, to be family. It was surprisingly easy for Fin and the squad to convince her to leave her work phone and her badge behind – which indicated how worn out she was by the year.

Barba walked into the squad room on the first day of her absence, his eyes drifting subconsciously to the closed door of her office. It seemed different without her in the room, even with everyone else doing what they usually do – Fin on his computer, Amanda getting a snack by the vending machine, and Carisi being a pest as usual.

"Hey, Barba, what're you doing here?" Carisi chirped, swivelling around in his chair.

Barba rolled his eyes. "What kind of inane question is that? The last I checked, I am the ADA for SVU."

"W-ell…Lieu is not here for the week, so I didn't think you'd…" his voice trailed off at the glare on the lawyer's face.

"Is that supposed to make sense, Carisi? I'm here because we have an ongoing case that's currently on trial? And speaking of which, I hope you're ready to testify?"

"Someone's in a Grinch mood today," Carisi muttered to Fin under his breath, and then he cleared his throat. "Of course, Counselor."

"Good," Barba said snappily. "Sergeant Tutuola, I need the full verbatim transcripts of the suspect's statements for me to prepare my closing statement. Have them sent to my office within the hour." Without waiting for Fin's reply, he turned and left the office, feeling irritated and inexplicably _off_ , for some reason. He pulled out his phone as he walked, and scrolled to Olivia's name. He was in the midst of typing out a message when he stopped.

She was supposed to be on leave, and having quiet time with Noah. It didn't seem appropriate to text her on work matters, and to be honest, he didn't need to, it was all under control. He deleted the contents of the message, and stared at her name, his thumb hovering over the keypad.

He _could_ send her a message, a personal one…but as close as they were being colleagues, and as much as he would call her his friend (his best friend, even), they had never been the sort to send each other messages just because. It wasn't something they do.

Decisively, he locked his phone, and slipped it into his pocket. He had a trial to attend to; and there was still work that needed to be done. Texting Olivia Benson was not on the top of his priority list.

Which was why it was strange, that he found himself occasionally scrolling to her name whenever he looked at his phone that day.

* * *

Barba stood up, buttoning his suit jacket, drawing in a breath before he launched into his closing statement. His confidence was sky-high – Carisi did really well in his testimony, and he was certain that they were going to win this case. As he delivered his arguments, and although his attention focused on the jury, he found his eyes drifting, on occasion, to the spot behind his chair, where Olivia usually sits.

With a slight jolt, he found himself realising that he didn't remember a time where she wasn't sitting there as he presented his closing statements. Because she was always there, her eyes trained on him, fueling his fire, silently pushing him to win.

The realisation didn't deter him from his focus, however, and he finished his arguments with a resounding bang, the final nail on the coffin of the scum that they were putting away. And he was proven right a mere three hours later, as the jury returned from their deliberations with a guilty verdict.

As he shook hands with the survivor and her family, as Fin clapped him on the back on a job well done, he found himself thinking of her, thinking of the way she would nod at him and touch him on the shoulder, a satisfied smile on her face.

 _Good job, Barba_.

He smiled briefly to himself as he reminisced, and on a whim, he pulled out his phone, and typed two words.

 _We won._

Her reply came through less than five minutes later.

 _I know you will come through._

Smirking slightly, he tapped out a reply to her.

 _Surely you never doubted me, Liv? As if there's ever going to be any other outcome, but that._

His phone pinged mere moments later, with two words on the screen.

 _Smart ass._

As his fingers swiped across the keyboard, typing out his reply, he could almost see her face as he read her words, that slight eye-roll, the corner of her mouth quirked into a smile. By the end of the day, his phone was filled with messages from her – messages that were mostly unrelated to work.

Maybe he was wrong. Maybe they _were_ the kind of friends to send each other chatty, random messages, after all.

* * *

"Sorry I'm late, Mamì," Barba dropped a kiss on his mother's cheek, and settled into the chair across from her.

Lucia smiled at her son fondly, touching his hand briefly. "It's all right, Rafi, I am used to it."

He frowned at her slightly. "If you're trying to make me feel guilty, you're succeeding."

"I am doing no such thing," Lucia declared. "I only worry about you, you work too hard." She eyed him carefully as he signalled the waiter for a scotch, picking up the menu. "Is the lovely Lieutenant Benson driving you crazy again?"

"No, fortunately, she is not," Barba drawled, picking up the scotch that was just served to him. "She's on vacation, with her son, so I've not seen her in the last three days."

She nodded, and was about to say something when his phone emitted a soft beep.

"Mamì, is it all right if I…?" He gestured towards his phone, and she shook her head. Frankly, Lucia would prefer it if Barba puts away his phone whenever he's having dinner with her, but she knew that his job demanded him to be available at all times. She watched as her son read the message on his phone, a smile spreading across his face as he rapidly tapped out a reply, before slipping his phone back into his pocket.

"That's not a work-related matter," she observed, as he looked at her, his expression slightly sheepish.

"No, it's not. Sorry, Mamì, but I'm with you now," he said, taking another sip of his scotch.

She tilted her head slightly, studying him as she smiled. "Was that Lieutenant Benson?"

Immediately recognising the tone in his mother's voice, his forehead wrinkled into a slight frown. "Mamì…don't start. Liv and I, we're not…"

"I like her, you know. She challenges you," she interrupted, ignoring him.

Barba huffed slightly. "Honestly…" his phone beeped again, and his eyes drifted towards his pocket, but he restrained himself, making no move to retrieve his phone.

"Oh please. Rafi, do go ahead." Lucia picked up her wineglass. "I'm sure you're missing Lieutenant Benson."

He was taking a drink, while reading Olivia's message, and he sputtered once he heard his mother's words. The automatic denial bubbled up in him, but before he could voice it, he stopped, as the realisation hit him.

 _I miss her_.

Across from him, Lucia gave him a knowing smile.

* * *

Barba accepted the coffee from the barista, and took a sip gratefully. It was near lunch time, and this was only his second coffee for the day. Saying that he had felt deprived for the entire day thus far was an understatement.

Taking another drink, he was reminded that this was the exact spot he said goodbye to Olivia four days ago; where she had smiled at him and tossed him a wave, telling him she'd see him in a few days' time. And he remembered that he had felt a little pang that he couldn't quite explain.

He could explain it now, of course. He had felt thrown by his realisation yesterday, to put it mildly. He hadn't realised what a constant she had been in his life. He was so used to having her with him, and not seeing her had somehow shifted his world. Not much, he admitted, but enough so that everything felt different, felt _off_.

His phone vibrated them, snapping him out of his preoccupied thoughts, and he answered it without looking at the screen.

"Barba."

"Rafael, it's Liv. Carisi said we ran into a snag with the Jensen case?"

Hearing her voice brought an involuntary small smile to his face, even if she was asking about work. "Liv, you're supposed to be on vacation," he chided.

"I'm sitting by the beach, watching Noah building a sandcastle, so I'm most definitely on vacation. Anyhow, what's wrong with the case?"

"Nothing is _wrong_ , Carisi's being dramatic," Barba answered, rolling his eyes. "There was a small inconsistency with the sister's statement, but we sorted it out. I don't want know what was Carisi doing, calling you and making a big deal out of it."

"Hmmm," she murmured absent-mindedly. "Actually, _I_ called him for an update, and then he said I should call you."

"Liv," his tone was reprimanding, and she read his mind immediately. Her laughter sounded over the phone, merry and oh-so-familiar.

"I know, I know. Vacation. Which would be over in two days' time."

"So make the best out of it," he said, finishing his coffee and tossing the empty cup into a nearby trashcan. Casting a glance towards the coffee cart, he contemplated another one.

"I will. I gotta go, Noah's calling me. Glad everything's all right with the case."

"Go," he shooed, tucking his phone between his ear and shoulder as he searched for the change to get his third coffee.

"I'll see you soon, Rafael. And go slow on the caffeine."

He smiled as he heard that, she really did know him so well. And he knew that she also knew that he would ignore her advice, and get that coffee anyway.

"Counselor, you're looking cheerful." He turned around to see Carisi and Rollins walking towards him, with the former grinning away. "Talking to Lieu, were you?"

Barba raised an eyebrow as they joined him. "I would tell you that's none of your business. And why did you tell Liv we ran into trouble with the Jensen case when we actually didn't?"

Carisi shrugged. "She asked for an update, and I just told her the truth."

" _Embellished_ truth."

"Truth nonetheless. And besides, I know you miss Lieu. Aren't you going to thank me for asking her to call you?"

"Detective, now _that_ is really none of your business," Barba snapped, feeling a rare flush rising in his cheeks, and praying fervently that they would just think it was the cold air.

"But you do, don't you?" Rollins chimed in, looking just as annoying as Carisi.

Barba scoffed haughtily, and then he turned and walked away. They could think what they wanted to, but he wasn't going to admit anything to those two. He certainly wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of being right about him.

Because it was true, of course. He missed her.

* * *

Barba was pouring his first coffee of the day, in his office, and as he had been doing for the last few days, he typed a quick message to Olivia. It had become some sort of routine, one that he was quite comfortable with.

They exchanged a few messages, the first ones about work, and then drifting off to a story about Noah seeing a Santa Claus on the beach, and getting confused about "why isn't Santa in North Pole, preparing all my presents".

As he was in the midst of typing a response, his phone rang. Smiling, he answered it, knowing it was her on the other end.

"I thought it'll be easier if I just called you," she said, and he could hear Noah's voice in the background. "Is that Baba? I wanna say hi to Baba!" There was a slight scuffling noise, and then Noah's voice sounded in his ear, bright and cheery. "Hi Baba! It's me, Noah!"

"Hola, amigo," he answered, amused.

"I saw Santa Claus! On the beach! Mummy says Santa is having a holiday before he starts working hard on Christmas Eve."

"Did you say hello to Santa?"

"I did! And…and…"

"You're getting ice cream all over your hands, Noah," Olivia's voice sounded.

"You should go finish your ice-cream, amigo. You'll tell me the story when I see you, okay?"

"Okay, Baba! Will I see you for Christmas?"

He was about to answer in affirmative when he stopped himself. It seemed to be a bit too presumptuous, even if he did want to say yes. He was saved from answering as Olivia's voice came back on the line.

"He's certainly excited about Christmas."

"Every child is, Liv."

"Mmm-hmm. So, will he see you for Christmas?" She asked, her voice casual. "He bought you a present, and he wants to give it to you on Christmas day. You could come by during lunch time? We could have it together."

His heart skipped a beat, but even so, he refused to think of it as more than anything her words portrayed – a casual invitation to a friend. "Sure, I could do that."

"Oh good. I'll make something simple. But don't worry, I'll make sure you're well supplied with scotch," she teased.

"Well, that is very kind of you, Liv," he drawled. "What time is your flight reaching tomorrow, anyway?"

"Eight o'clock. I just hope the flight will tire Noah enough so he'll sleep. It's a chore getting him to sleep on Christmas Eve."

He laughed. "Good luck to you, then."

"Why, thank you. Anyway, I'll see you on Christmas day, I'm looking forward to it."

"Miss me, do you?" The words were out before he could stop himself. There was a pause, and he felt his heart dropped when she didn't say anything. It was a mistake; he shouldn't have said it, but he was seeing her in his mind, her smile, the light in her eyes, and it just came out. Just as he was trying to think of other snarky words to add to that, to diffuse the situation, her voice floated over the line.

"Actually, yes. I really miss squabbling with you." Her voice was jokey, but there was something in it, a tone that he couldn't quite place, a tone that told him that it wasn't just about the squabbling. It stretched between them, the connection, _their_ connection, or perhaps the truth – the truth of the feelings they have for each other.

Seven days apart from her, and he realised that he missed her, _really_ missed her. Seven days was nothing, in the scheme of time and distance, but this was the way he felt.

"Me, too," he answered finally, and he could almost see her smile. As she rung off, her warm goodbye still reverberating in his ears, Barba came upon another realisation. It came out of nowhere, the thought entering his head, almost unbidden, but it was so clear, so true, and so obvious, that he wondered what took him so long to see it.

He didn't just miss her; he was in love with her.

* * *

It isn't too grand a gesture, Barba thought, for him to be at the airport, waiting for her and Noah. He didn't want to wait until Christmas, because he wanted to tell her now and then, all that he had realised, in the eight days that she had been gone.

He saw Olivia as soon as she emerged from the arrival gates, holding Noah in one hand and pulling her suitcase with the other. A rush of emotions swept through him as their eyes met, with her looking exactly like the way she did eight days ago when she said goodbye, looking like she had never left.

"Rafael!" She called, and maneuvered her way through the crowd, reaching him in a matter of moments. Noah immediately ran to him, calling his name, and he placed his hand on the boy's head, but he kept his attention on her. "What're you doing here? I certainly didn't expect to see you here."

As excellent as he was with words, Barba had never been good at this – enunciating his emotions, feelings, so he settled for the plain and simple truth.

"I missed you," he said, and just in case it wasn't clear enough, he repeated himself. "I _really_ missed you."

She looked at him intently for two seconds, and then she reached out and took his hand, linking his fingers with hers. A beatific smile spread across her face, and he felt his heart lifting. "I missed you, too."

He took a step forward, still holding onto her hand, and then he leaned closer, and kissed her. He could feel her smile against his lips, as she curved one hand around the back of his neck, pulling him closer as she kissed him back.

They were interrupted by an innocent voice, chiming above the hubbub of the airport. "Baba, why are you kissing Mummy?"

They broke apart, and Olivia looked at him, and then at Noah, her cheeks slightly flushed. Barba knelt down, so that he was eye-to-eye to Noah, and then he told him the truth. "Because," he said, "I love your Mummy." He looked up at her, and her face told him all that he needed to know.

"Oh," Noah said. "I guess it's okay for you to kiss her, then."

Their eyes met, and they both broke out into laughter, as Barba stood up, and took Noah's hand in his. He stretched out his other hand to Olivia, and she took it without hesitation.

He missed her, he loved her, and he never wanted to be apart from her again.

And she felt everything he did, because she loved him, too, as much as he loved her.

* * *

A/N: Uwaaaah how long have not I written Barson? It actually feels like coming home in some regard hahahah omg I am so cheesy.

This is actually a recycled plot from one of my other fics in my other fandom, but honestly, I was getting so stuck, nothing was coming into mind…nothing Christmassy, that is. Even so, this is hardly a Christmas-themed fic, yikes. Nevertheless, I hope y'all will enjoy this…and Merry Christmas and happy holidays! Wishing you all a fabulous one!


End file.
